i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
