I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
