I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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