You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're a waste of cheezeits
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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