every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
