I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
