Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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