What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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