Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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