OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
