This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i dont even know how to be here
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
