I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
