And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
