I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
