it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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