I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm just crazy horny about you
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
