She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
