We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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