Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
