Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize