my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
