Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Boobs speak an international language.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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