What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
