my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
