i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
