her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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