I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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