my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize