He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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