happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize