i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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