I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
