My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize