and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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