this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
