i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
organizing the empties. That sober.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
