it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
