I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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