Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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