he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
