i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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