was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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