The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
