I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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