watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
