would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
