Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
