ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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