At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
