How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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