Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
