I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Enjoy the penises
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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