In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
