You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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