He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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