i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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