There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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