don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
