We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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