Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
