Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize