the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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