Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
